My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
they're like a gay fantastic four
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
