im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
