made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
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