I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
