love makes seman taste better
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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