Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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