I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
