I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
