So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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