Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Randomize
