I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
