peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
