Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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