watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
My bed smells like the plague
Randomize
