drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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