tonight lets celebrate not being married
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
