I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
so much tequila, so little girl.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
