I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
