I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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