Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
