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so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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