Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
