If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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