We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
