Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize