I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
