What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
