i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
