I met the friendliest cop last night
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
