is your mom at the bar?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
