u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
