Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
