I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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