Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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