Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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