walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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