I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I can text with my tongue
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
