I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
