fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
So here I am, sexting at work.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
