Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Randomize
