Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
