I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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