i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
