I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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