I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
