currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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