also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
