I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
