??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I could make wine with my vomit
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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