I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I just want to make out with him forever
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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