I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
