Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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