My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
