I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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