Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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