I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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