I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
