So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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